​     Here we are discussing consent. Kesako?

Before engaging in a sexual relationship with someone else, it is absolutely necessary to ensure that the desire is well shared. This is called consent. It intervenes before any sexual intercourse, during and after.

If you want to have sex and the other too, then there is consent. If you don't want to or the other doesn't want to, there is no consent. To give in is not to consent: any forced sexual intercourse constitutes sexual assault, an act punishable by law because it produces serious trauma in the victim (whether we speak of kisses, caresses, penetration, masturbation in front of you , etc.). This rule applies to all types of sexual relations, including as a couple. Being in a relationship does not mean that you owe the other sex. If your partner insists and forces you, it's called marital rape.

Consent comes before sexual intercourse but also during it. If you wanted to start but you don't feel well during sex (eg feeling uncomfortable, a practice that doesn't suit you), then the consent disappears and the pleasure with it. You always have the right to stop the report. If you are forced to continue when you express the need to stop or take a break, then you are a victim of sexual assault. And vice versa. You must always keep in mind that consent is not acquired forever and that it must be checked and updated each time (e.g. "Do you want to?" "Do you like it if I do this?" "Do you feel always good?", etc.).

Consent must always be updated, including after sexual intercourse. If someone posts photos or videos of those moments without your consent, it's called revenge porn , an act that's also punishable by law.

The rules of consent are simple but in practice it is always a bit more complicated. Consent can be non-verbal. We may not be able to express it or not clearly enough. Or that the situation does not allow it (pressure, partner who does not listen, game that goes wrong, etc.). All situations where it is difficult to distinguish consent from abuse refer to the "grey area" of consent.In these situations, what to do then? What benchmarks to use?

It must be understood that silence is in no way a yes, but rather a sign of discomfort since the person is not able to answer.If the problem is communication, then it is possible to agree on codes that suit both people (e.g. a word, a gesture that gives the signal that it is necessary to stop or that it is possible to Continue).

It is also important to know how to accept that the other does not want to. Getting offended by taking it personally doesn't help, because the reasons can be many and it doesn't help to solve the problems. It is better to ask the other the origin of his discomfort. If the person is not ready to communicate, it is important to accept their timing and give them time before talking about it again.

But then the gray area, is it just a question of communication? This happens, but there are also many situations of aggression: when a person engages in sexual intercourse while the other has drunk too much or is sleeping (unconscious state); when you are filmed during a report without knowing it; when a person abuses his authority to obtain sexual favors (boss over his employee, adult over child); when one person makes the other feel guilty because the reports are not frequent enough or because the person would have offered something before that should make the other feel indebted, etc. These situations have many social roots (education of girls and boys, gender stereotypes about sexuality, mainstream porn that overrides consent, etc.). These social roots forge the culture of rape , which mainly endangers people with vulva and gender minorities (transgender people in particular).

If someone oversteps your consent, you are a victim of sexual assault . I invite you, if you feel it, to talk about it in these terms to your attacker and not to feel guilty about the attack in any way, because you are not at fault. Above all, it is necessary to talk about it to reliable people around you, and before contacting the police, it is better to approach a local association that fights against sexist and sexual violence to be well accompanied. e.

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For further

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• On consent in general: episode n°2 of the mini-series Culbute on Arte TV directed by Edith Caron and Léo Flavier.

• On the gray area of consent: the video of the Association for the Fight against AIDS and for Sexual Health, on the Instagram account leschroniques.fr

• On the culture of rape: episode n°3 of the mini-series Culbute on Arte TV directed by Edith Caron and Léo Flavier.

• The action manual to put an end to sexist and sexual violence written by Caroline de Haas, whose tools and information you can find on the website of the association We All .

• To find an association near you that fights against sexist and sexual violence: the government list .

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